Too ill to blog!

Apologies…

 

 

Having not missed a Sunday post since August 2017, today I am laid low by fever.

Cannot get my mind together or focus on words.

Appetite is gone.

Collapsed twice yesterday and hurt myself.
Everything went dark.
Retain no memory of entering the kitchen, but came to, on the floor, looking at cabinets above me. Wondering how I got there.

Cut my ear and arm.
My head caught on a box as I blacked out the first time.
Seem to have injured my neck toppling backwards.
Just could not stay upright.
Fell heavily.

This experience worried me, as I am already fragile after decades of chronic illness.

Paramedics were sent to check blood pressure, heart, etc.

I imagine this must be the influenza, that I managed to avoid during winter?

Very sorry not to be able to blog.
Need to lie down again, now.
Am in a great deal of pain from the falls,
as well as aching and disoriented due to high temperature.

 

Hope you are well?

 

Please visit again next week.

 

Best wishes to you all!

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

(blogging/illness/life/loneliness/lostness/mental health/thoughts/writing)

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First blogiversary!

Konica12499

Purple phase

 

As a teenager I attempted to visually evoke sensations of energy and beauty,
stirred in me by music.

(I include some pen images, done at age 16.)

Later, taking up guitar, Hendrix was a major influence.

Even now, after 30 years of being too unwell to play,
I remember wonderful feelings during improvisation,
ascending on a solo,
ideas flowing from my fingers.

Not realising how short this phase would be, I made no recordings.
Nothing remains of those musician days.

Art, poetry, music, philosophy, chess…
multiple interests eroded by illness.

Reading or writing are left to me.
And the struggle to put words here;
while I still can.

 

 

Konica12498

 

 

One year ago, today, I posted my first poem.

No-one noticed.

118 posts later I almost reached 100 followers,
but have got stuck for several weeks,
like a runner unable to step across the line…
at 99.

Growing an audience is difficult for me.
Due to poor health I lack stamina for social media, networking,
or spending much longer on other blogs.

Hence I gain new visitors by chance: via the WordPress reader.
A rather slow process.

 

On the positive side:
I managed to maintain a regular weekend blogging schedule despite many problems;
and “likes” are up in recent months.

 

So, to all my readers…

 

Thank you!

 

Konica12500

(I hope you will return next week for…

Lostness  (55))

 

 

 

 

(Mental health/drawing/art/music/beauty/blog/blogging/poetry/writing)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Impaired affirmation

 

Konica12522

 

Lostness   (47)

 

Am I addicted to thought?

How does a mind cure itself of thinking?

Idea as symptom, or as cause?

Is this melancholy an emotional disorder
clothed by reason?

I turn to writing for my coping strategy.

 


 

At least despair offers a kind of certainty.

 

Affirmation requires greater faith than negation.

Should I just try what resembles
lying to myself?

I sit with eyes closed, repeating:
“Today, I am getting better.”

An inner voice says: “Why spout such drivel, when feeling so ill?”

“OK then,” I reply, “How about: ‘I am going to die alone, and unloved’?”

“That’s the spirit!” Approves the voice, “Now you’re speaking my language.”

 

Authenticity conditional upon hopelessness.

 

 


 

 

I took shame, from being an unwanted child, into my own heart.

Told how “no good” would come of me.
Each failed attempt at normality reinforced the verdict.
Did I need therapy, or exorcism?

In any case, if I knew there were no light
I could cease striving
to claw my way out of the darkness.

 

Looking for a loophole. Finding a blank wall.

 

Seeing the past with regret
and present through misery
toward some future anxiety

 

Like water undermining stone
I sense my slow erosion
by unhappiness.

 

 

 

(July-Aug 1989)

 

(philosophy/psychology/poetry/blog/thoughts/questions/ideas/depression/mental health)

 

Art of lostness

 

Konica12525

 

 

Art of lostness   (1)

 

The image above dates from around my 16th birthday, in 1972.

Improvised, freehand, with nylon tip pens.

 


 

Hit by a virus, at present, my ability to concentrate on writing is badly affected; together with low mood (anxiety and depression).

For the first time since launching this blog I feel unable to compose a weekend post.

But, unwilling to give up completely, decided to add a sample of art.

Mentioned previously: frustration at being unable to find a scanner compatible with an ancient computer.

Not satisfied with my photography, I recently took some work for scanning by a local printer.

 


 

 

I started drawing as a child, totally self-taught, mainly in pencil or ballpoint pen.
Later being given a set of nylon tip pens. These, for lack of “proper” art materials, I carried on using. Struggling toward expression and a certain sense of beauty.

 

 


 

 

Shall commence by posting images separately, seeing which are more popular.
Then collect all together on a new page once the series has progressed a little.

 

 

Hope a few of you will like them?

 

 

Wishing everyone a happy new year!

 

 

 

(art/teenage/blogging/mental health/lostness)

 

 

 

 

Xmas lost

 

Konica12496

 

My uncle especially liked this picture of me.

He died in November.

Now I am completely alone.

 


 

 

It has been a stressful time, though I somehow managed to continue weekly posting.

I keep hoping my audience will grow consistently beyond single figures, but the stats usually arrive as a digital depressant, including many vacant days without views.

 

 


 

 

This first Xmas of blogging sparked a new worry:
could I be the loneliest person on WordPress?

 

Probably an unanswerable question.

Yet, my situation is rather unusual.

30 years of chronic illness, pain and exhaustion.

A 27th, consecutive, Xmas spent alone.

Not feeling well enough to go out.
Or make new friends.

The phone doesn’t ring.
I cannot think of anyone who would want to hear from me.
My family are dead. I am the last of our line.

Except for my uncle, no-one has visited me, socially, since 1995.

I am used to emptiness, though Xmas and birthdays still hurt.

 

 


 

 

I shall end on a different note:
by saying a big…

Thank you!

To everyone that left “Likes,” or comments, on my blog.

Your feedback was the most positive online experience, for me,
and I still get excited by it.

 

I hope you all have a good 2018.

 

Best wishes

from Ken.

 

 

(memories/feelings/loneliness/lostness/mental health/depression/life/thoughts/writing)

Blogging and not blogging

Reaching my 100th post I thought I would attempt something new…

(“Start successfully blogging?” says a voice in my head.
I ignore this, so it adds:
“Getting more than 10 views?”
But I am not engaging with an inner critic, now.)

…namely, putting the first images on this blog.

 

IMG_20171003_170149335_BURST000_COVER

 

For anyone reading…

(“Both of you!” Quips the voice)

…who may be unfamiliar with my situation :

I am struggling really hard to keep going, through severe levels of chronic illness (see Losing my Muse ).
Being down on one post per week: I experience difficulty managing even that frequency.
A great deal remains for me to do: in placing my unpublished writing online. It will take at least another year, probably longer.

My computer is so old I cannot find a scanner to work with it, for uploading artwork.
Never had a camera, either. Hence I bought my first smart phone.

Unfortunately, due to neurological symptoms, it is tough learning new things. Short-term memory is affected, and the ability to follow sequences of instructions.

Thus, despite knowing that photography involves terms such as “ISO, f-stop, aperture, shutter speed,” etc: I am unable make them cohere together in my mind. Therefore I have been reduced to a basic point-and-click approach.

Looking for beauty in my environment I decided to take a few flower pictures.
Here are some initial efforts, as a total beginner:

 

IMG_20171003_170648086

 

IMG_20171003_170314381

 

 

IMG_20171018_163355209_HDR

 

 

IMG_20170928_154542274

 

It is often breezy in the West of England, where I live. I had not realised how much flowers are moved around by the wind, until getting close up to them.

Though once an artist, I have no confidence at all with a camera.

IMG_20171018_163207278

 

I hope to return next week: with more normally abnormal philosophical ramblings.

 

 

(daily notes/photo/photography/lostness/mental health)