The message

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An ancient code
long wove through
souls.

 

Its falling tremor
a veiled melody.

 

At times
barely heard.

 

As if
breaking

on distant shores.

 

Or sought
in old minds

beset
with
dismal thoughts.

(Like dark soil
chafed
by some goading
plough.

As heckling crows
caw down
from
the pointed wood.)

 

 

Though
still

a message
may come.

Scorning our rules.

 

(While men pretend

to have
understood.)

 

 

 

So
legends
are made

breathe.

 

In their
ageless

certainty.

 

 

 

Then carved.

 

 

Upon

wrinkled

stone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

(The poem above is a revision of one written when aged 23.
I find myself too ill for creating new poetry, at present.)

 


 

 

Impostor syndrome?

 

This blog passed 1,000 followers last week.ย  ๐ŸŽ‰
That appeared an unattainable total just a few months ago.

I am very grateful for all your support. ๐Ÿค—

 

Yet depression (which currently grips me) has triggered a sort of impostor syndrome.

My inner-critic’s voice sneers:
“Ha! Get a book published before calling yourself a “poet”!
And putting old stuff online, means you aren’t even a proper blogger, either!”

(With a psyche like mine, who needs enemies?)

 

Yes: Iย doย dream about being published, someday.
But have no idea how.
Or where to approach.

And when my symptoms are bad, I often end up feeling overwhelmed.
The energy required for self-promotion seems completely absent.

 

 

Does anybody else struggle against impostor syndrome?

Perhaps viewing themselves as a chronic amateur, among experienced bloggers?

Or imagining that others are “natural” writers, in ways one can’t match?

 

Comments are always VERY welcome!๐Ÿ™

 

Thank you
for reading.๐Ÿ™‚

 

(Art on the blog is mine: I hope you like it?)

 


(anxiety / art / blog / blogging / depression / drawing / life / mental health / poem /poems / poetry / reading / thoughts / writing )

123 thoughts on “The message”

  1. Nice poem and pic.

    I hear you with the imposter syndrome, I’ve been made to look like a useless worthless fool by publishers and editors too. So, I realised publishing is impossible unless you are famous or rich. My novels will soon go in the bin and I’ll just happily play with my short stories on my blog.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Don’t discard your treasures. Go to kdp self publishing site on Amazon.com and publish them for free. They print on demand and you can have a bound copy of each of your novels (and may even sell some of them).

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thanks Constance. They’re not treasures they’re worthless.

        I cant even KDP them because they need edits, and covers and layouts and illustrations I just cant afford to have done. Publishing is impossible to me.

        Like

      1. Yeah 2k minimum per book is inexpensive not!

        Self publishing only works with a lot of cash and or rich celebrity friends. I know I have no chance and now my hands are failing too..my books are dead.

        Like

  2. Well-carved poem. Well done. Well deserved. I understand some of what you comment on imposter syndrome. It is you who decides…. Strangely and coincidentally, my latest nonsense poem ends in the word “imposter”…

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Lovely post… yes I absolutely suffer from โ€œimposter syndrome.โ€ I think many writers do; and itโ€™s just a part of growth, I hope. ;)) thanks for sharing this! ๐ŸŒฑ๐Ÿ’›๐Ÿ™

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I love this poem a lot. It’s beautifully crafted and who cares if it’s an old one? It still came from inside you. And about imposter syndrome, I kind of have those thoughts from time to time. I suppose they are normal for anyone doing anything creative but at the same time, I realise that those thoughts stem from my ego that is trying its best to protect me from pain and disappointment. So as much as the thoughts hurt, they stem from a well meaning (but sadly mistaken) psyche. Unsolicited advice from a stranger on the internet: keep pushing until you get published, even if it takes an eternity. (Personally I really like your poems and would buy your damn book!) ๐Ÿ˜Šโ˜€๏ธ๐ŸŒปCheers.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I frequently question if I’m actually good at what I do, even if someone compliments my work. We can be our own worst critics, but something that helps me when I hear the negative inner-voice is going for a walk to connect with nature. Keep writing and creating, Ken.

    I enjoyed the poem and illustration. And, congratulations on 1,000+ followers!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Hi ken, more outstanding art. Great piece, sorry you are not feeling well. i get a lot from your work, it is of special quality. Thankyou always for sharing, you being published, or more available to wider audience would be a good thing. Funny i dont see my own work like that, but i am richer for the experience of your work. i mused once that we all touch anonymous hearts somewhere. be safe, get weller friend. Thinking of you. Greetings from Oz.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Gary!
      It means a lot to have my work so appreciated. ๐ŸŒŸ

      I’d fallen behind on the WordPress reader this week
      but went through all your recent posts, last night.
      You’ve been really productive lately: it’s getting harder to keep up, LOL!๐Ÿƒโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ˜„
      And thanks for all the likes!!
      (PS: Weather’s back to usual for an English Summer: ๐ŸŒง๐Ÿ’จโ›ˆโ˜”๏ธ)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey mate, i really love what you do on wordpress, without it wouldn’t have met you. Missing you like. Also it not my nose to stick in but please the way of publishing is fraught with peril, if i was mickey mouse with computers would have reblogged Famous on my site (for what thats worth) but i am nothing, but i truly think your work is worthy of book (with art). Be safe and well friend.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. You write poem people read. You will die just like everyone else. Why waste time dwelling in such a feeling. One is better of washing dishes, vacuuming, dusting than occupy the mind with such a perspective. I, too, go through spelt of depression and have learned to embrace Mundane task – laundry, organizing stuff, purging stuff or go outside and people watch even when I donโ€™t feel like it but I push it, as a cure, distraction until the dread subsides. I realize depression are like waves crashing against the rocks – always there, constant, a shadow. But like anything beyond our control, contemplation of its vastness and existence can be awe inspiring and beautiful in it nature. Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! ๐ŸŒ
      I take your point. Unfortunately, my feelings are not fully under control.
      (The emotion-regulating centres of my brain being affected by neurological illness.)

      Like

  7. I too have this dream of someday being a published author. I have been writing children’s stories for years. I do it because I love it. Anything more is just added stress. Do what you love, love what you do, dobedobedo.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Hang in there Ken, you are a poet, not an impostor! Dealing with publishers can be really variable. I’ve only published technical works and one short story, and mostly my experience has been good. But I’ve also had bad experiences with the same publisher and same book series. So… if you give it a go, and it doesn’t work out, it’s not about you. Just try a different publisher.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I totally get where you are coming from with imposter syndrome! I suffer with it constantly about my art work too. I love your poem and the drawing you are very talented. Keep up the great work. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Imposter syndrome? Absolutely. Sometimes it feels like I will never ever achieve any of my goals. Luckily my little (imaginative) friends lift me up when I`m feeling down.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Lovely poem and art, Ken.

    Yes, we all have to deal with imposter syndrome on some level at some point in time. It wasn’t until I lost a bunch of my stories due to breaking my USB when I decided to stop messing around, moving from project to project and actually finishing something and getting it out there. With this urge came an onslaught of doubt and fear, and I can say with a smile that I put those demons to rest when I did finish my first book. I shared with the people around me at the time and it was liberating. It doesn’t matter that I have still edited typos from it two years after, I did it. And then comes the next project, and the journey begins again, but this time I got more experience, one more notch on my belt. And with it being more than halfway done, I will have another notch real soon.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Moises!
      I’m glad you like it.๐Ÿ˜Š
      (By the way: WordPress excluded your latest piece from my reader feed (again) even though I follow you.๐Ÿ™ƒ
      Had to got to your site to find it, otherwise I wouldn’t know you posted.
      Don’t know why that keeps happening.๐Ÿค”)

      Liked by 1 person

  12. You write incredibly. Tell that inner critic to be quiet. I love this piece very much. Are you on Instagram? There is a vast poetry community on there. And even some who would befriend and help you to publish. I too want to publish but it feels so daunting. I do hope that you can feel better sooner than later. ๐Ÿ˜Š

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Denise!๐Ÿ˜Š
      Your suggestion (about Instagram) may well be a good one.
      So far, I’ve never posted anywhere except WordPress.
      Because exhaustion is such a difficult symptom of my illness:
      I concentrated all (quite limited) energy on this blog.

      But, now most of my old work has been published here,
      perhaps I should make an effort to explore other platforms.
      (Though my lack of technical ability may make that a rather painful process, LOL!)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If you decide to get on Instagram, you can look me up, my handle on there is @nobullheart
        Instagram takes a little getting used too. Rome was not built in a day. Little by little becomes a lot. It took me a while. But if I can, I know you can. Just be patient with yourself.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. It really is comforting to know that others can relate to your own struggles, isn’t it? That the person who wrote a beautiful poem or painting something glorious is also wondering whether they have “what it takes” to make themselves. Wishing you well, I’ll be following ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I like that you’re letting your light shine. Whether you publish a book or not, whether you are as kind to yourself as you deserve or not. Your light is shining and that’s exactly what it wants to do.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. P.S. Sometimes even getting praise can trigger internal voices of self-doubt. On Tuesday I had just one person who matters to me see my artwork for the first time and praise it. First it was rewarding and made me happy…then the self-doubt took over and I’ll have to soothe the internal pressure away before I can actually enjoy making art again. Maybe someday that process will come more naturally to me — and to you?

    Liked by 2 people

  16. On imposter syndrome… Paul McCartney, in a 2016 interview said of songwriting “You never get it down. I don’t know how to do this. You’d think I do, but it’s not one of these things you ever really know how to do.”

    John Steinbeck, in Travels With Charley, said “When I face the desolate impossibility of writing five hundred pages, a sick sense of failure falls on me, and I know I can never do it. This happens every time.”

    Two artists, both of whom, at the time they spoke those words, were firmly established in the highest echelons of their professions… both wonder if they know what they’re doing.

    Darwin said “Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.” Maybe it’s only the delusional who never doubt their ability?

    If it’s worth anything, I think you’re doing good work and I hope you keep doing it.

    Liked by 3 people

  17. Congratulations on having so many followers ๐Ÿ™‚ Keep writing. You don’t need company to write unless you feel there are three inside you. The heart, mind and feelings. A mixture of three, that is a crowd and, you know what? I can hear cheers. Hip hip hurray:)

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Wonderful poem and I look forward to reading more of your work, Ken. I write mostly poetry and self-published via Amazon. I also contribute to other sites such as Spillwords; PoetrySoup and a few WordPress blogs that host challenges. That way I know my work is somewhere besides my two blogs. It’s fulfilling and takes care of my own inner critic. I write because I love it and I write for me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Eugenia!
      Lovely to hear from you.๐Ÿ˜Š
      Contributing poems elsewhere sounds interesting: perhaps I should investigate those sites.

      Self publishing is something I’m rather anxious about, being not at all tech-savvy.
      Though it might end up as the only way for me to actually appear in print?

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the kind words! ๐Ÿ˜Š
      As for my spacing: it seems pretty easy on the old classic editor,
      but I don’t know if you are using the new WordPress block editor?
      (I’ve still managed to avoid the dreaded thing, so far.๐Ÿคž๐Ÿป)

      Liked by 1 person

  19. I’ve put a lot of effort into getting some of my poems published. And I still feel like an imposter and not a real poet. I’m coming to realise that if 40 people read one of my poems on my blog,that is success.

    My first published poem was on Silver Birch Press. They are open to submissions again if you are interested.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I see that I had already read this poem, but somehow missed the part where you mentioned you wrote it when you were only 23. That’s impressive, to write that well at such a young age. Heck, I was impressed thinking it was something you had just written!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I hope youโ€™re well. If I were you Iโ€™ll go to a psychologist to talk about it. They might help you get better again and maybe thatโ€™s when youโ€™ll find strength and courage to publish your poems (: Who knows? Itโ€™s worth trying (:

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Amazing artwork. Reminds me of Monet’s Rouen Cathedral series somehow. Many a great artist has suffered from depression, and it might be comforting to hear you’re not alone. But perhaps even more reassuring is to know that this phase too shall pass. All the best!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Hi Ken, I thoroughly enjoyed reading your poem. am connecting to you through your like of my poem today…. the candor you revealed at the end is inspiring to me I’ve ‘carried’ a bi polar label with me since my late teens and I’m 40 now. I think mental ill health is strange in that you can’t point to an affected area and exclaim a healing has occurred. I hope you are managing your depression and the blog gives you an outlet, by the way the art cover is beautiful! On the imposter syndrome issue my problem is almost the opposite. I believe too much in myself and think I should be writing my third novel by now… then later, usually the next morning lol, I get struck by the rubbish feeling about what am writing… thanks for posting that question though very thought provoking!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Ken I’ve just read the magazine article you posted a link to. I’ve been deeply moved by your experience of ill health through CFS (such is the label my wife’s been given) my wife had to leave work and is 3 years into her fatigue. I suppose I just wanted to say I’ve an little idea what this type of illness entails Sinead is constantly being told she looks great when she feels lacking any energy to even explain how she really is…. sending my love and prayers to you the art work in the mag is striking and cool by the way and this blog is a great way for us to connect and bring relief that we’re not alone!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for reading the article, Barry!
        I am very sorry to hear about your Wife’s illness, and hope she will soon recover.๐Ÿ™

        In my case, local self-help groups were a valued source of information and support,
        especially during the first few years, after diagnosis.
        But such support varies a lot across the country, and is often limited to larger towns and cities.

        Like

        1. Thanks Ken…. we are taking it 1 day at a time as am sure you know well. We’ve been grateful for lifts in energy and I ll pass on your message to sinead…. by the way we totally understood when you spoke about the lock down being like the way you’ve lived anyway. Lovely connecting with you Ken I wouldn’t open up like this until reading your blog…. we help each other!! Better days ahead my mother says!

          Liked by 1 person

  24. I have long suffered the imposter syndrome. I was a nurse and always felt like I didn’t know as much as I should. Everyone was smarter, prettier, thinner, had everything better than I did. It took years to realize I learned that attitude from my mother and it was fed by my narcissistic husband, who died in 2009. Before his illness and death I began to realize that I was smart and still am. I worked ICU/CCU and thought I was dumb. I had to turn that voice off!! Listen to your heart not your head. If you want to create, then create. Be proud of what you accomplish. Don’t denigrate your creations. Somewhere along the way you will see what started your self deprecating attitude has done. You will rise up like the phoenix from the ashes like I did. See yourself as amazing, loving, kind, helping. And if you’re not those things then learn to be and you will be who you were meant to be and know who you are and who you were meant to be. And you will accept who you are and live yourself as you should. Then share that love with others.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Hi Ken, thanks for popping to my blog today. I’m sorry to see you are experiencing the struggle at the moment (or were on this latest post here anyway, hopefully you are climbing out of it again now). I like to visit where my likes have come from and enjoyed your work here very much. I do get a little depression as an MS symptom but have learned that it comes and goes with my MS fatigue episodes.
    Imposter syndrome is a companion for me too. I wrote and published a post about understanding it and battling it, but I read it back to give myself a good talking to every now and then!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Firstly, I thoroughly enjoyed your poem; though the spacing seemed excessive between the lines. I particularly enjoyed the parenthetic closing. Secondly, you should have more faith in yourself my good man. Never on my best day have I ever gotten over 100 likes on anything; and at one point I was killing it (or so I thought).

    Liked by 1 person

  27. If you can afford the writer’s digest, that book is very helpful, I used to have 2 copies, 1 from 1994 and something but they got destroyed. But you can find literary magazines websites and publishing guidelines online as well you just gotta Google. Depression sucks. I’m going through it too. Been In a funk not writing as often as I used to but trying to get back into it

    Liked by 1 person

  28. OMG Ken!!!! look at all of these comments, I am absolutely thrilled for you! Prayers answered! Your drawing is outstanding and your words are hauntingly beautiful…………so good to “see” you again….

    Liked by 1 person

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