Loneliness

A passing beauty
once observed

(Who’d walked upon
the cobbled street
below my window)

Revisited
in dream.

And there
(again)
she strode along

With arms around herself:

A kind of cradling pose
which stood out as
so feminine.

This sight endured
in mind.

Since women always
fascinated me.

How self contained they seemed.
How unapproachable.

Those favoured ones
I most adored
moved ever
beyond reach.

Above apparent
possiblity
for connection.
Or of love.

I recalled
(next)
my childhood
school.


Where bullies
brutes and boasters would
display their baseless confidence.
Acting as if unaware
of life’s
fragility.

But some still
grew quite popular.
While I was left
aside or
shunned.

Both then
and now.

Alone
each day.

All down those
cold decades.

Among
this long
ten thousand nights

at times the
pain could get so bad
that
(lying in the dark
awake)
I also tried to hold myself.

(Console myself.)

Two arms across the chest.

(Just as the passing girl had done.)

Yet

found

it


did not

help.

 


 

(As an affectionate person, 30 years alone with illness has felt a bit like
being endlessly stuck in a touch-deprivation experiment.

I tried to convey something of that experience in the poem.)

 


 

And now, rather late (but better than never?) :

Here’s a piece to mark fours years on WordPress…

 


 

 

4th Blogiversary post

 

 

 

Not writing

 

 

How I envy those who love writing!

It doesn’t work that way for me.

 

Nor did my “blogging break” enable “returning refreshed”.

I find “refreshed” an almost forgotten sensation.
Due to chronic illness.

Each morning feels more like dragging my body free from a pit
of exhaustion and pain.
After taking minor beatings, during the night.
(Had dream-demons caught me again?)

Then I attempt to fake being human, for a few hours.

 

The longer my blogging break, the harder restarting appeared.
Inertia, anxiety, self-doubts, set in.

Watching others pour out their blogposts
I floundered amid sickness and despair.
Tormented by my own time-wasting.

Depression coats awareness
with its layer of toxic mould.

Failure expands, to seem a default state.

 

Perhaps poem-hunger makes it worse?
The waiting for inspiration.
Minus structure, plan, or plot.

Because I associate writing with mental ferment.
Nailbiting.
Insomnia.

Where ideas disrupt rest.
Tapping against windowpanes of consciousness.
As if annoying moths sought entry.

Thoughts scribbled down: in order to escape them.
After which they fade, unseen.
Confined by decaying notepads.
An unedited chaos, I lack energy to synthesise.

If only this mess could be redeemed!

But illness ruins everything.

(How to ever to get published
when I struggle to get out of bed?)

So passed a blogiversary:
Enjoying other people’s work.
While neglecting my own.

Days spent scrolling.
soon  joined weeks.
Then months.

On it goes.
The emptiness.

 

The ticking clock.

Now draws me back.

To write.

 

About

not writing.

 

 

 


 

Does anyone else prefer reading to writing?

Have you ever felt motivationally-challenged (like me)?

Comments are always VERY welcome!🙏

 

Best wishes to you all!

 

(Art on the blog is mine: I hope you like it.🌛)

 

Thanks
for reading!

 

 

 


( anxiety / art / beauty / blog / blogging / depression / drawing / life / loneliness / mental health / poem / poems / poetry / writing )




87 thoughts on “Loneliness”

  1. This is a very melancholic poem (very honest emotion). Depression and pain can Syphon away ones life.
    Congratulations on your 4th year. I have read back on some of your older posts, that are extremely good, as is the artwork.
    I hope to read and see more of both. Take care. 🙏🏼🙂

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Glad to see you writing again Ken. I identify with many of the feelings you express so poignantly. Sometimes it’s hard to write when I feel terrible but when I do it always helps. And this might seem like a trite suggestion but having a pet to love and cuddle can make a world of difference. I couldn’t manage without my cat, another heart beat in the house and she gets me out of bed in the morning! By the way, we women aren’t as unapproachable as you think! 🤗

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you, Nikita!🌞
      Yes: your suggestion is a fine idea.
      I love cats, and often wish there were one around to pet.😸
      The problem IS that I am stuck high up in a tower block of flats.
      Also, I feel barely able to care for myself, and worry about being responsible
      for another life, as well.
      So I end up just watching cat videos instead.😧

      Like

  3. Not only did I enjoy the poem (which you accomplished well), but I also enjoyed the rumination after. I have always been an avid reader and a somewhat writer (because I do all sorts of creation, whether it be writing, drawing, painting, photography, graphic design… etc). I love reading. But I also love creating. Personally I have never experienced “writer’s block” so I can’t speak to that. But I do get the whole taking a break and not really wanting to come back. I guess it all comes down to: why are you (me, whoever) writing? what does it accomplish? what is its value or worth? Certainly we go through seasons… sometimes creative, flowing out, sometimes introspective, flowing in. I say, allow those seasons to come and go in peace.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Tara! 😊
      An interesting comment!
      Though, to be honest, I’m not sure about the seasonal aspect, in my own case.
      It feels more like struggling with physical inertia. My body working against me.
      Being so drained by illness that even writing is tiring.
      (I lost the energy for art and music many years ago. Still miss those.)
      I fight continual urges to lie down. (A bit like having flu coming on, forever.)
      Difficult to enjoy anything active, or creative, in this depleted state.
      But I don’t want to give up completely.

      Blogging is also more stressful now:
      as the Block Editor seems intent on spoiling the layout of my poems.😧
      It undermines the functionality of the enter key, and reduces spaces I make between sections.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m sorry that it’s so hard for you. I can only imagine. It breaks my heart.

        As for this whole block editor debacle… worst thing WP has ever done. It’s worthless. Renders art to ugly unimaginative blocks. Not user friendly. Like you said about the enter key… us old-school folks say, “this is lame”. I despise it. And now the newest update says you can no longer create new posts in the classic editor. Ugh. I will continue trying to just write the html in order to bypass it. We’ll see. I feel your pain there, for sure. I love WordPress… but this forcing of the block editor is highly highly frustrating. I don’t understand breaking something that wasn’t broken and worked so well already. Sigh.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel both of these poems very deeply. Honest & emotional. I wish you good days. You’re an amazing writer & I definitely understand the struggle to create through chronic illness & pain. Congrats on your 4 year milestone. Thank you for sharing these wonderful poems.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Absolutely relate to all of this. Writing is precious medicine whenever you can get hold of it, but not as pleasant as many think. Often for me, even writing in a comment is a challenge… but I think what you write, Ken, is extremely powerful and that needs to be said.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. The first thing that captured me was the art work… and then as I started to read I was in awe. Beautifully written work that captures true emotion. Congrats on four years!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Eric!🌝
      Seeming effortless is probably a positive result.
      I tend to get an idea all at once, and write it down.
      But then fiddle around, trying to improve things, which can take many hours.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hi again Ken, like I said I tried to post a comment to this from my phone but it didn’t work, so here’s another go.
    I found this really resonated with me for some reason, I don’t know why.
    I also love the artwork you’ve done to accompany the piece, especially the seated figure pointing outwards, that’s a really symbolic image.
    Hope you have a peaceful Easter weekend.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks, Janice!🌝
      (Yes: that comment sent from your phone must have got lost in cyberspace. Nothing in spam, either.😕)
      Glad you liked the piece.
      Re: my drawings: did a series of lone figures in barren landscapes, when I was 16.
      People said some of them were a bit disturbing, by the way.
      So I didn’t plan to include those on the blog.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Really sad and moving.
    Thanks Ken: I felt it with you, the loneliness.

    It’s difficult to force writing if it is coming from your heart, it has to flow naturally.
    You do it well, keep going and never give up. X

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Lucy!🌞
      Really nice, hearing from you, and that you felt the piece was successful.
      To be honest, I don’t especially enjoy writing. But I don’t enjoy NOT writing, either.
      So I may as well carry on writing, LOL!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I would much rather read than write, and when I write, I’m happiest going back and editing what I’ve already written, so I know what you mean.
    I do like to write, but it’s work, and always has been.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I’ve always wished I felt that way too! Writing is fun when it’s flowing, but all too often, it isn’t. For me, when I finally finish something, then I feel it was worth the effort. But I think all writers are a bit different in how they approach writing and how they experience it. Thanks for this post!

        Liked by 1 person

  10. A very touching piece, Ken, I recognize the sentiment, especially your closing lines (I have rehearsed them many times). In the digitality and the turbulences of today’s world, I still offer a hug and send it your way, and I should warn you I have been told I hold on to things way too long!

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Ken, your writing shows how gifted you are — when you’re able to do so. I completely relate to everything you wrote about health-wise. I’ve been struggling with the same thing. Wanting to write but too exhausted and in pain. Like you, I try to at least read posts but having trouble keeping up with that too. Someday perhaps there’ll be a miracle cure for us, right?
    Take good care and please write more when you can.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words, Betty!😊
      Very sorry you are struggling with such health issues, as well.

      I find it so frustrating, having lots of creative ideas across various fields
      (art/sculpture/music/poetry/fiction/etc), yet no energy to carry them out.
      Just caring for myself, from day to day, is often difficult enough.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks, Betty!😊
          I am grateful for your feedback and support.
          (Especially knowing it is given while being so unwell, yourself.)
          Hope Spring and Summer will be good for you.🙏🌼

          Like

  12. Hi Ken,
    I was thinking I would write a comment, just to make that connection of writing, interaction, sending positive vibes through cyberspace, half way around this planet.
    I can personally relate to some of what you say. Scrolling, reading, hours becoming months. Where does the time go?
    I have, for many years, wanted to “be” a writer. But I realize that I like the IDEA of being a writer more than I actually like to plant myself in a chair and WRITE. I am too active to be a writer. I must be up, moving around, constantly active, constantly fidgeting, restless. My mind is full of thoughts, but rarely do they go beyond the protected insulation of my skull.
    That said, I actually do enjoy writing, but it helps to have a gloomy rainy day when it’s undesirable to be outside or go anywhere and that’s when I’m most motivated to sit and work (or pay bills, or clean the house, etc etc.)
    Motivation comes and goes. I often feel motivated to do something, but often not the things I feel I “should” do, or “need to” do. When I do sit down to write, I often end up doing something else (like reading other stuff!), and then the motivation fades as I get lost in another part of my life.
    Someday, I am going to be a writer. Ha. I can keep telling myself that. It still sounds like something I would enjoy. Someday I am going to write and illustrate a children’s book. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I must appreciate the way you have delineated your thoughts. I can totally empathize. I am really touched.
    But hey! I have recently started blogging on positivity. So it will mean world to me if you can stop by my page and shower love!! Please let me know the feedbacks as well.
    Thanks and have a great day!!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. I’ve come back to this a few times, it’s so emotive, there’s a beautiful raw honesty to it that shines out. It isn’t easy being a writer, quite torturous in many ways, but the want being within us is a gift of sorts (possibly from the aliens playing this reality show video game – I’ll not be pinned down there), it leaves a gaping hole where there should be creation when we can’t find the words, but any word, any words at all written down lead to others, as have yours in this post. The loneliness. People have no idea often what long-term illness can do to a person, what it denies them, how it batters them. How the smallest effort to them can feel like the greatest victory to one who struggles with pain not just daily, but every minute. I’m glad you’re still here, still pushing to write. It does come again, and it will do.

    – Esme Cloud leaving a slice of homemade lemon drizzle cake and a pot of tea for him.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Many thanks for this, Esme!🌞
      It’s truly gratifying for me, if you found my work worthy of reading more than once.😊
      I often find people seem rushed, these days; while poetry may gain from a slower approach.
      (And the piece was also fairly long, for a post of mine.)

      Liked by 2 people

  15. Stunning Ken.
    I’m so sorry I don’t know your story better, but reading the depth of your writing, I can almost taste what you convey.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Thank you for visiting my blog. I enjoyed reading your poem. And I’m sorry to hear about your illness. That can’t be easy to deal with in this pandemic.

    I’ve been through some of what you describe with writing. But writing has often also served as an outlet and a coping mechanism for me. So I don’t actively resist writing and I miss it a lot when I find myself unable to. I am also an avid reader and am finding I have a similarly moody relationship with reading. I’m doing plenty of both in this pandemic though.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Ramya! 🌞
      How nice of you to drop by.
      It’s good if writing helps you, as an outlet.
      I also find that, to some extent.
      Though, because illness affects my brain, writing seems harder, these days.
      And more tiring.
      (But I don’t enjoy being unproductive, either.)

      Like

  17. thank you for sharing your experience as someone with chronic illness, and the shadows of being a creative. i love that you wrote about not wanting to write, getting in those dark crevices. since you’re fond of reading, curious if you have ever read Kat Duff’s Alchemy of Illness? she makes beauty around the topic of chronic illness, at least i thought so. ~**~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this helpful comment!🌝
      (Sorry, but can’t find a name on your site.)
      Actually, I had not heard of “The Alchemy of Illness”, before.
      It certainly sounds like an interesting book; and also a very relevant one, for someone in my situation.
      I’m grateful for your suggestion.

      Like

    1. Thank you for those kind words , Sunnyside!🌞
      Delighted to have you drop by.
      I had much enjoyed sampling the cultural riches on your blog, yesterday.🌟
      (My compliments on your beautiful site, and its wealth of interesting content.)✨

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Wonderfully written and relatable in so many ways. Your artwork is the style I prefer. I’ve always been a fan of Shel Silverstein and your drawing reminded me of his drawings. And thank you for stopping by today and reading me. I’m so happy I found your lovely words and I’ll be sure to come read you again. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh… you’re most welcome! He was such a wonderful poet and artist. It’s sad he’s gone now. There are quite a few children’s books out there done by him and they’re suitable for adults as well. Get them from the library if you have a chance!

        Liked by 1 person

  19. I related to the suffering you expressed. Loneliness is hard even when you’re used to it. I found someone in my 50’s; and it was hard to get used to not being alone. Even harder to trust that it would last. Reading vs writing: depends, its about 60 writing and 40 reading.

    Liked by 1 person

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