Perhaps pain only tends to ennoble those already possessing nobility?
I experience my own suffering as rather disgusting.
Then notice, automatically judging myself harshly.
It seems so easy, believing bad things said about me.
Yet very difficult to accept any praise.
I was taught such severity, before I could form a defence.
We cannot atone for the offence of existing
to someone who finds our existence offensive.
How to gain self-esteem without currently having it?
Breaking circles of negation…
Should I begin by directing inward, sorts of kindness I might like to receive from others?
When loss is unperceived, grief may be misunderstood.
In forced rest
sensing slow atrophy
from a once fit person
returning through dreams
where he moves
along streets unseen for years
while I struggle
never walking them again
that some demon
drags me toward
which become harder to leave
the longer one stays
as a door closes
to hold it open
from my past
what I had not realised
was even loved