Lostness (49)
Perhaps pain only tends to ennoble those already possessing nobility?
I experience my own suffering as rather disgusting.
Then notice, automatically judging myself harshly.
It seems so easy, believing bad things said about me.
Yet very difficult to accept any praise.
I was taught such severity, before I could form a defence.
We cannot atone for the offence of existing
to someone who finds our existence offensive.
How to gain self-esteem without currently having it?
Breaking circles of negation…
Should I begin by directing inward, sorts of kindness I might like to receive from others?
When loss is unperceived, grief may be misunderstood.
In forced rest
sensing slow atrophy
drifting farther
from a once fit person
returning through dreams
where he moves
effortlessly
along streets unseen for years
while I struggle
to accept
never walking them again
lying alone
with fear
that some demon
of weakness
drags me toward
strange realms
better unvisited
which become harder to leave
the longer one stays
as a door closes
upon me
here
lacking strength
to hold it open
this exit
from my past
wished left
ajar
now
losing
what I had not realised
was even loved
my own
old life.
(1989)
(philosophy/psychology/mental health/illness/loneliness/thoughts/ideas/opinions/poetry/writing)
Ken Hallett Blog 